


The Mojave Community Frowns At Your Shenanigans

by Bubastisboo



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4, Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-14 03:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubastisboo/pseuds/Bubastisboo
Summary: I write a lot of FNV crack and absurd HC's for myself and my friends.- A lot of it is in screenplay format.- Mainly Joshua Graham and Legion shenanigans.- Some AU crack from other New Vegas fics that I obsess over.- Generally gen. Anything shippy will be stipulated in the notes.





	1. The Burninating of Joshua Graham

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I received serious second degree burns in a workplace accident, and whenever I watch the prologue to Honest Hearts, something just doesn't add up for me.
> 
> THIS IS THE REAL STORY OF THE BURNED MAN.

EXT. THE GRAND CANYON, ATOP A BARREN PLATEAU.

 JOSHUA GRAHAM is on his knees, hands tied behind his back. He looks murderously at the two CENTURIONS holding TORCHES, flagging his side.

 

ENT. CAESAR (nee Edward Sallow) Joshua's eyes move to meet his own. If looks could kill...

 

Caesar approaches him and stops, never breaking eye contact. He squats, and grabs Joshua's chin with his left hand. Joshua sneers, and Caesar backhands him with his Powerfist.

 

Joshua falls to the packed earth, never making a sound. He spits blood into the dirt.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                                                (Smirking)

                                You will die like the martyrs of your past, Malpais.

 

He turns to a DECANUS behind him and nods. The Decanus comes forward, carrying a bucket.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                Cover him.

 

The Decanus tips the bucket upside down over Joshua's fallen figure. Nothing happens.

 

He shakes the bucket. Still nothing.

 

 He puts the bucket over his own head and peers into it, shrugging. He moves the bucket back over Joshua, holding it aloft.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                WELL!?

 

                                                                DECANUS

                                Uhhhh... Any minute now, my Lord.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                What? WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ANY MINUTE NOW”?!

 

                                                                DECANUS

                                Well, my Lord... it's just... very thick.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                Let me see that!

 

He rushes forward and snatches the bucket off the Decanus. He dips his un-gloved hand in, and removes a finger, covered in a thick, viscous, black goop.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                Oh for the love of... DECANUS GO GET A BRUSH!

 

                                                                DECANUS

                                A... brush, My Lord?

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                DID I NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ON THE VERGE OF A CRUCIFIXION!

 

The Decanus’ eyes widen before he runs off.

 

Caesar - bucket still in hand - tries to shake the tar out. He sighs angrily and goes to drop the bucket. It is stuck to his pitch covered left hand. He yells a slew of profanities while flailing around with the bucket stuck to his hand. The pitch is still not budging.

 

Joshua in this time has righted himself, and watches the ensuing scene with a smug expression, despite the blood dribble on his chin.

 

Eventually the bucket comes off and clangs to the ground. The pitch still doesn't budge. Caesar sits cross legged on the ground in a huff. The Centurions exchange nervous glances. Some RECRUITS have started to mill around curiously.

 

Eventually the Decanus returns, smiling. Caesar leaps up.

 

                                                                CAESAR

                                Well!?

 

The Decanus brandishes a small watercolour brush. Caesar shrieks with rage, and power fists him over the canyon lip. We hear the Decanus SCREAM ALL THE WAY DOWN.

 

DISTANT SPLASH

 

Joshua laughs.

 

Caesar rounds on Joshua with murderous intent, grabs the bucket and shoves it down on Joshua's head.

 

He snatches the lit torch off one of the Centurions and throws it into Joshua’s lap. His jeans start to smoke slightly.

 

The Centurions both look pointedly the other way as it STARTS TO RAIN. Joshua continues to laugh, the noise amplified by the acoustics of the bucket.

 

Caesar screams again and kicks Joshua off the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair: It took him a really, really long time to get the tar out of his hair.


	2. Stupid babies need the most attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua hates meetings. Maybe if he'd paid a bit more attention, he'd have learned a thing or two about tactics.

SCENE

INT. CAESAR’S TENT, CAMP FLAGSTAFF.

 

1 hour into weekly reports. If the Church of the Latter-Day Saints had a personal Hell, this would be JOSHUA’S.

 

                                                                                                SILUS

                                                                 ...and that concludes my report on Phoenix.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                                GOOD! Antony! You're up next with the dog training report.

 

Joshua slouches in his chair.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                                JOSHUA! Stop slouching. You'll fall off your chair.

 

                                                                                                ANTONY

                                                                Well, one of the bitches had a new litter last week and the runt was mottled in colour but the--

 

Joshua drags his gun along on the floor while swinging the chair legs off the ground

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                                Joshua I'm warning you.

 

                                                                                                ANTONY

                                                              ... As I was saying, the colour patterns on the puppies is important because...

 

                                                                                                JOSHUA

                                                                Ugghhhhhhhh!

 

He leans back further in his chair and looks at the tent ceiling.

 

**CREAK**

 

Joshua continues to swing back and forth on the two back legs of the chair.

 

**CREAAAAAK**

**SNAP**

 

**THUD**

 

                                                                                                JOSHUA

                                                                ... Ouch.

 

CAESAR pointedly doesn’t look at Joshua rubbing the back of his head as he collects himself off the floor. He Deadpans to camera

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                                 ... Please continue, Antony.

 

/SCENE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FULLY ILLUSTRATED!
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/shishkamoosh/180339682939


	3. That one guy in the group who never shuts up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is no one in the Legion is looking for Ulysses?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can go home Courier --- once I finish this SEVERELY LONG STORY, that is.

SCENE

EXT. FORTIFICATION HILL, CAESAR’S TENT, 2282.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Inside)

                                                VULPES! Where is Ulysses?

 

CUT TO INT. CAESAR’S THRONE ROOM.

CAESAR is drumming his fingers on the arm of his throne irritably. This is a man who does not ask twice for anything. A short beat passes and VULPES INCULTA runs into the runs into the tent. He looks slightly flushed.

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                I... I'm not really sure, Lord Caesar.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Narrows eyes)

                                                What do you mean you aren't sure? A recruit can't scratch his balls without your

                                                frumentarii knowing about it.

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                Well, the last I spoke to him it was… Let’s see… It was at Wolfhorn Ranch. We had a rendezvous before I set out to Nipton.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Waves hand dismissively)

                                                Yes. I know. And?

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                He was harping on about a courier or, something… I'm not sure, I fell asleep.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                You fell asleep.

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                 It was _immensely_ boring.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Sighs)

                                                And then what happened?

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                Well, it was probably the best nap I've ever had. That man sure is sonorous.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Narrows eyes)

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                (Hurriedly)

                                                I mean, when I awoke, he was gone.

 

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                And you didn't go after him _why?_

 

                                                                                                VULPES

                                                Well my Lord, in all honesty, he's so boring. I just hoped he'd gone forever.

 

Another, longer beat passes. CAESAR stares at VULPES. Any other occupants of the tent make themselves busy.

                                                                                                CAESAR

                                                (Presses his fingers to his mouth)

                                                ... Agreed. Mark him as dead in the logs, Lucius!

 

/SCENE


End file.
